i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
