I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
