his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
