I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
