I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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