I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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