I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
