He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
