They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
