A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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