so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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