I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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