Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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