gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
