so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
