I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
