when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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