I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
