The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
