So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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