I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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