mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
