Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
