dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
