Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
