I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
