Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
