We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
