oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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