So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
