hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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