Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Can you bring me the toilet please
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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