Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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