I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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