I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
