We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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