I got her a Nickelback box set.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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