he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
