one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
