he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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