I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am naked and annoyed.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
