Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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