I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
