you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
