do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
