areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
