you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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