rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
