i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
