I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
